Another Season...Another Change

It has been eight months since you went home to the Lord.  It has been 2 months since I moved to Texas to live in the House that you worked so hard to prepare for us.  Time is flying by and at times I feel like my life is still stagnate.  Grief can make you feel like it is dragging you backwards as you try so hard to stay upright and move forward.

A new season is just about to start.  I am not feeling particularly excited about it.  I am overwhelmed facing another new season without you.  I just wish I didn't have to.  There are times that I walk outside of our house and I just want to hug you and say "isn't this Texas climate amazing?".  It is different from the dry weather we experienced the whole course of our marriage,  We were suppose to grow vegetables together.  Now, I find myself trying to figure out how to save our lawn.  I am lost without you.  I feel like I am failing the majority of the time,  I pray lots for the Lord's guidance.  The Lord has been there for me.  I just wish you were too.  

I know you are in a better place and I am honestly jealous.  Life without you sucks.  I wish I could take back all the times that we wasted arguing about nothing.  We could have cherished more time together.  I miss you.  I would do anything and give up everything to be with you,  I honestly feel insignificant.  To the rest of the world, I am invisible.  We were the invisible couple, remember?  Now, I feel like I can disappear tomorrow and no much else would be affected around me.  Z and I just spend most of our days just trying to make it through the whole day.  She misses you.  I somehow whistled your call to her the other day.  She sat straight up looking for you.  I wanted to cry because I know she is still waiting for you to home to us here on earth. 

I hurt everyday.  I pray lots.  I read Bible.  And I hope for the best.   I miss you Bucky.

What is up with all this "stuff"?

 As humans we somehow accumulate alot of stuff.  The funny ironic thing is that when we go home to heaven all of our stuff stays behind for your loved ones to take care of, discard or sell it.

When we are young, the world teaches us that the people with all the cool stuff are the people we want to hang with or we wish we could be like.  Stuff accumulates through the years, before you know it your life is filled with "stuff".  

I learned early on that I did not want to be a hoarder.  Even though, I have a tendency to throw away quicker than I am to keep, I look around and I recognize that if I were to die tomorrow there is still is lots of "stuff" that my family members will have to deal with.

My husband was well aware that he had so much stuff.  He was the most gracious man that I had ever met.   He did not take for granted anything that was given to him.  Some of the last conversations that I remember having with him were about how he could not believe the amount of tools he had and along with the many other things that he had possession of.....Ford truck, a John Deere riding lawn mower, and the multiple rifles and handguns.  He always felt that the Lord blessed him with a very wealthy life.

I never doubted that we were blessed.  I still know that at present tine, I am very blessed by Jesus.  However, I am currently faced with dealing with all the things or stuff that I have no use for because he is not here on earth anymore.  

Selling or giving away his possessions hurts for some reason.  I know Buck would want his tools to be sold or given to someone who truly cherished it the way he did.  The process of the transaction is the part that sucks.  Nobody wants to know the true story behind the sale, they that just want to chew you down even though they know they are getting a sweet deal already. 

I don't even know what the main point of this entry really is; only that this is the season that I am currently in.  Does not make me feel comfortable.  I pray lots for protection and wisdom through these various transactions.  I just hope that I am doing the right thing.

Lord willing, I will get all his stuff taken care of eventually.  I miss him so much.   

God has a plan and you need to let HIM do HIS work!

 Well, here it is a new year already!  I can honestly tell you that I am completely a different person than I was last year.  Life has changed, yet again, for me in a blink of an eye.  On June 22, 2023, Buck, my husband and best friend, went home to the Lord.  It was a tragic passing.  I am having difficult days everyday.  The tears have not stopped since that day.

I find that my ONLY source of strength is seeking the Lord.  I am forcing myself to learn how live by my faith and not by what I see.  All of it is difficult.  I can truly tell you that life for me at this point is not enjoyable.  I hurt everyday missing my best friend.  At times, I have to work through a withdrawal episode like a drug addict to get through the pain of just wanting to talk to him or hold him or touch him.  It hurts. 

I know that "In His Time" the Lord will teach me how to cope with this grief.  The Lord knows I am suffering,  I discuss this with Him everyday.  I trust that HE listens because I miraculously make it through that day and manage to make it to a blessing of another day.

I feel like I am viewing life through a pair of glasses that makes everything look so very different in every way, shape, and form.  The only one that I want to tell my thoughts to is Buck.  I would love to hear his response.  

I have no idea what my life is going to be from here on out.  I do know that I spent half my life with Buck,  This half of my life the Lord is still writing out and HE does not want me to ruin the ending of it. 

So here goes nothing,  I vow to share this gift of life that I have left with whoever wants to read about it.  For some, you may think that I have had such a hard life.  Honestly, I am just grateful for what I do have and I am doing everything in my power to not focus on what I don't have.  

My Redeemer Lives - Trust in the Lord - Praise Jesus