This is the week.....

 This is the week that will forever change my life.  A year ago this week you will go home.  I had not indicators that you would be leaving.  I went about my day like I did every day.  Did you know?  Subconsciously, did the Lord whisper in your ear.  I was definitely blindsided.  I have had a guilt that I cannot get rid of.  I beg the Lord to release me from this heavy burden.  Since you went home, I live a lonely life here in the house that the Lord blessed us with.  I have spent my time here trying to honor you by getting the things done that we both said we needed to get done.  I wish you were here.  With all my heart there is nobody else that I want to share this with.  There is nobody on this earth that got me the way you did.   The Lord is my strength each day.  I don't think I can make it without Him.  My friend base here in Texas is very very small.....practically non existent.  I know the mailman.  That is about it.  I have friended the construction workers.  Most of those workers only speak Spanish.  I need your ability to talk to them.  We stare at each other with a blank stare most of the time.  It is frustrating for me and vice versa.

I miss you a million times over.  My heart aches all the time.  I feel sick right now.  All I want to do is hug you and hear you tell me that you are sorry that I do not feel well.  I want to talk to you.  This week is hard.  I hurt.  I am trying my best to make it through each day.

Where has the time gone.....

 As I sit here in our house, I am sadden to think that exactly a year ago, we were arriving here together.  I walked in and I was amazed at the unbelievable work that you did in the kitchen.  We hurried and unloaded our stuff and headed over to Living Spaces to find some furniture.  We packed our lunch and headed to Humble.  When we got to Living Spaces, it was closed for a Summer company picnic.  We were both amazed that it was closed on a Wednesday.  We ate our lunch and made our way back to our home.  We did make a stop to HEB so we could get some groceries for the few days were going to spend here.  I was just so excited to be here with you.  I could not wait to start our life here together.  A new place that nobody knew us, but that did not matter, because we had each other.  

Life was going to be an adventure here in Baytown for us.  We spent the next few days just tinkering in our home.  Unloading boxes, laughing lots, and just appreciating what the Lord had blessed us with.  I miss you Bucky.  I still cannot believe that you are gone.  How can that be?

One year later, I am living in our house alone with Xena.  It has not been easy at all.  We miss you everyday.  My heart aches with a pain that has no cure.  I am slowly seeing myself change into a person that I truly do not want to be.  I do not want to let go of being your wife.....your best friend.  I live a very lonely life.  The Lord is the only constant in my life right now.  I have not had the courage to open up my life to any new friends here.  I fear opening up to them because they are going to ask what happened to you.  I still cannot talk about what happened to you without reliving the nightmare. 

I live each day feeling lucky when the day is done because I made it through the day.  I pray lots.  I live alot in my own thoughts.  My Redeemer Lives, Praise Jesus, Trust in the Lord. 

Almost done....punch list time!

 I cannot believe my guest bathroom is just about done.  It looks fabulous.  This bathroom is a mini version of my master bathroom.  I am really tired of having workers here.  It is kinda nice that it is winding down.  I am giving Leroy the last check today.  I am praying that these bathrooms hold up for more that 10 years.  I am gonna try my best to maintain them.  I know that man made stuff is not perfect.  The only perfection is the Lord.  I appreciate the renovation.  I do understand that I will have to keep it up.  Not sure what that entails however I am sure I can find a YouTube video.   

Change is hard.  I am living it everyday.  I miss my husband everyday.  I don't know when the day will come that I am happy with everyday life.  These bathroom renovations are my first major victory that I managed to get through with none other than the Lord.  HE gives me the strength and guidance each day.  Even when I feel weak, I can feel HIS strength.  What I would do to talk to Bucky,  I would give up everything to hold him.  Keep pushing forward.  Fight back all the negative feelings.  Lord what is next? 

Guest Bathroom.....well on its way!

 Start of a new week.   I have been having a difficult time these past few days.  My heart aches for you.  I find myself on my knees alot.  I am praying that the Lord takes this pain away.  I hurt.  I am trying to find an out for this pain that invades my body.  

All the while, my guest bathroom is well into the renovation.  Praying that it will be done by the end of this week.  My fear is that I have nothing else on my agenda to occupy my days.  I hate the way I feel.  The Lord has blessed me with these renovations.  When they are done, I feel like I am back to square one.  How can this pain be so bad?  I miss you.  I would do anything to talk to you and hug you.  Everyone tells me you are with me.  It is not the same though.  I know you really don't care because you are with Jesus.  I am here on earth and I hate it.  

Warmer temperatures are here to stay.  All I want to do is talk to you about doing things this summer. 

Master Bath .....just about completed!

 Praise Jesus!  I am thanking Jesus every minute.  The master bath looks great.  Today starts the fifth week and they are putting in all my accessories.  The mirrors, shelves and towel racks.  I love it.  I pray that everything is in working condition.  Everything was done by man so nothing that man does is perfect, however, with the Lord's covering and protection, I pray that HE filled these workers with the direction and the Holy Spirit to do honest work.  

My heart is full of gratitude for the fact I that I could not make it through this project without the strength of the Lord.  Today started out rainy and gloomy.  I read and prayed. I walked Xena and fed her.  Days like this one are hard to feel uplifted because of the gloominess of the sky.  It has rained on and off all morning.  I view the rain at times as tears from Heaven.  I wonder to myself, "Buck are those your tears?"  I know that is not possible because I don't think there are any tears when you go to heaven.  I miss you.

Tomorrow is the final walk-through of the master bathroom.  After I sign off on it, the demo for the guest bathroom will start.  This restroom should not take as long.  Praying there are no surprises when they demo it.  Again, nothing is perfect when it is man-made. 

Counting my Blessings!

 Since you went home it has been a challenge to make it through a typical day.  I have to face each day as a blessing.  I wake up counting my blessings.  I know there are a million blessings that the Lord so graciously gives me.  Every breath I take is precious.  I know this because I watched you take your last breath and it hurts every bone in my body.  So I know that God has mercy on me and I can't let a second go by each day without thanking HIM.  I remember the days that you would get mad at me because I was down.  You would tell me to count my blessings.  You taught me to do that.  Now I do it on a regular basis not just when I am down.  In the good times and bad times, God has blessed me.  This hurt that I am feeling each day without you here  is a blessing because I know how deep our love and friendship was.  

Honestly, I do not know how to understand exactly what life is going to be from here on out until I go home.  It is just living day to day trusting the Lord.  Although, I feel like I have not focused on my walk with the Lord, I trust in HIM to make it through each day that I am trying to work through this pain....this grief.  I nod my head in disbelief, just not sure what is going on in my life.   It is completely feeling every step blindly for the Lord to take my right hand and pull me through the world that I live in .....now without you.  I will never be of this world; I just live in it.

New Week....I see the glimmer of light!

It is dark outside and the rain has just started.  Was not expecting rain.  This is the beginning of the third week of the master bathroom renovation.  I see the glimmer of light.  I feel myself getting a little bit excited.  I wish you were here.  I have no one really to celebrate with.  Xena does not respond too much on my verbal updates and the changes that are taking place.  I know that she does not like all these men in the house.  She hates how much noise they make.  

So the shower tile is in and the wall tile around the tub area is also in.  They are placing the floor tiles today.  Yes, I said floor tiles!  I know that you had intended to put the oak floors in both the bathrooms. That has changed because they were not confident to place wood floor in the bathroom.  I know you were confident, but I also know that you would have taken care of it.  I would not have the patience to take care of it myself.  I am going to say this was a blessing in disguise. 

Praise Jesus that I was able to find this cool rustic looking brick tile for both the bathrooms.  I had to go to three different Lowe's to get the correct amount needed to do both bathrooms.  I picked them up and I unloaded them when I got home.  They were HEAVY!  I miss your strength.  The Lord protected me and gave me the strength to unload all of the boxes.  I thanked HIM so much because I could not have done it without Jesus! 

The Lord is my light and strength!  I miss you Bucky!