This is the week.....

 This is the week that will forever change my life.  A year ago this week you will go home.  I had not indicators that you would be leaving.  I went about my day like I did every day.  Did you know?  Subconsciously, did the Lord whisper in your ear.  I was definitely blindsided.  I have had a guilt that I cannot get rid of.  I beg the Lord to release me from this heavy burden.  Since you went home, I live a lonely life here in the house that the Lord blessed us with.  I have spent my time here trying to honor you by getting the things done that we both said we needed to get done.  I wish you were here.  With all my heart there is nobody else that I want to share this with.  There is nobody on this earth that got me the way you did.   The Lord is my strength each day.  I don't think I can make it without Him.  My friend base here in Texas is very very small.....practically non existent.  I know the mailman.  That is about it.  I have friended the construction workers.  Most of those workers only speak Spanish.  I need your ability to talk to them.  We stare at each other with a blank stare most of the time.  It is frustrating for me and vice versa.

I miss you a million times over.  My heart aches all the time.  I feel sick right now.  All I want to do is hug you and hear you tell me that you are sorry that I do not feel well.  I want to talk to you.  This week is hard.  I hurt.  I am trying my best to make it through each day.

Where has the time gone.....

 As I sit here in our house, I am sadden to think that exactly a year ago, we were arriving here together.  I walked in and I was amazed at the unbelievable work that you did in the kitchen.  We hurried and unloaded our stuff and headed over to Living Spaces to find some furniture.  We packed our lunch and headed to Humble.  When we got to Living Spaces, it was closed for a Summer company picnic.  We were both amazed that it was closed on a Wednesday.  We ate our lunch and made our way back to our home.  We did make a stop to HEB so we could get some groceries for the few days were going to spend here.  I was just so excited to be here with you.  I could not wait to start our life here together.  A new place that nobody knew us, but that did not matter, because we had each other.  

Life was going to be an adventure here in Baytown for us.  We spent the next few days just tinkering in our home.  Unloading boxes, laughing lots, and just appreciating what the Lord had blessed us with.  I miss you Bucky.  I still cannot believe that you are gone.  How can that be?

One year later, I am living in our house alone with Xena.  It has not been easy at all.  We miss you everyday.  My heart aches with a pain that has no cure.  I am slowly seeing myself change into a person that I truly do not want to be.  I do not want to let go of being your wife.....your best friend.  I live a very lonely life.  The Lord is the only constant in my life right now.  I have not had the courage to open up my life to any new friends here.  I fear opening up to them because they are going to ask what happened to you.  I still cannot talk about what happened to you without reliving the nightmare. 

I live each day feeling lucky when the day is done because I made it through the day.  I pray lots.  I live alot in my own thoughts.  My Redeemer Lives, Praise Jesus, Trust in the Lord.