This is the week.....

 This is the week that will forever change my life.  A year ago this week you will go home.  I had not indicators that you would be leaving.  I went about my day like I did every day.  Did you know?  Subconsciously, did the Lord whisper in your ear.  I was definitely blindsided.  I have had a guilt that I cannot get rid of.  I beg the Lord to release me from this heavy burden.  Since you went home, I live a lonely life here in the house that the Lord blessed us with.  I have spent my time here trying to honor you by getting the things done that we both said we needed to get done.  I wish you were here.  With all my heart there is nobody else that I want to share this with.  There is nobody on this earth that got me the way you did.   The Lord is my strength each day.  I don't think I can make it without Him.  My friend base here in Texas is very very small.....practically non existent.  I know the mailman.  That is about it.  I have friended the construction workers.  Most of those workers only speak Spanish.  I need your ability to talk to them.  We stare at each other with a blank stare most of the time.  It is frustrating for me and vice versa.

I miss you a million times over.  My heart aches all the time.  I feel sick right now.  All I want to do is hug you and hear you tell me that you are sorry that I do not feel well.  I want to talk to you.  This week is hard.  I hurt.  I am trying my best to make it through each day.

Where has the time gone.....

 As I sit here in our house, I am sadden to think that exactly a year ago, we were arriving here together.  I walked in and I was amazed at the unbelievable work that you did in the kitchen.  We hurried and unloaded our stuff and headed over to Living Spaces to find some furniture.  We packed our lunch and headed to Humble.  When we got to Living Spaces, it was closed for a Summer company picnic.  We were both amazed that it was closed on a Wednesday.  We ate our lunch and made our way back to our home.  We did make a stop to HEB so we could get some groceries for the few days were going to spend here.  I was just so excited to be here with you.  I could not wait to start our life here together.  A new place that nobody knew us, but that did not matter, because we had each other.  

Life was going to be an adventure here in Baytown for us.  We spent the next few days just tinkering in our home.  Unloading boxes, laughing lots, and just appreciating what the Lord had blessed us with.  I miss you Bucky.  I still cannot believe that you are gone.  How can that be?

One year later, I am living in our house alone with Xena.  It has not been easy at all.  We miss you everyday.  My heart aches with a pain that has no cure.  I am slowly seeing myself change into a person that I truly do not want to be.  I do not want to let go of being your wife.....your best friend.  I live a very lonely life.  The Lord is the only constant in my life right now.  I have not had the courage to open up my life to any new friends here.  I fear opening up to them because they are going to ask what happened to you.  I still cannot talk about what happened to you without reliving the nightmare. 

I live each day feeling lucky when the day is done because I made it through the day.  I pray lots.  I live alot in my own thoughts.  My Redeemer Lives, Praise Jesus, Trust in the Lord. 

Almost done....punch list time!

 I cannot believe my guest bathroom is just about done.  It looks fabulous.  This bathroom is a mini version of my master bathroom.  I am really tired of having workers here.  It is kinda nice that it is winding down.  I am giving Leroy the last check today.  I am praying that these bathrooms hold up for more that 10 years.  I am gonna try my best to maintain them.  I know that man made stuff is not perfect.  The only perfection is the Lord.  I appreciate the renovation.  I do understand that I will have to keep it up.  Not sure what that entails however I am sure I can find a YouTube video.   

Change is hard.  I am living it everyday.  I miss my husband everyday.  I don't know when the day will come that I am happy with everyday life.  These bathroom renovations are my first major victory that I managed to get through with none other than the Lord.  HE gives me the strength and guidance each day.  Even when I feel weak, I can feel HIS strength.  What I would do to talk to Bucky,  I would give up everything to hold him.  Keep pushing forward.  Fight back all the negative feelings.  Lord what is next? 

Guest Bathroom.....well on its way!

 Start of a new week.   I have been having a difficult time these past few days.  My heart aches for you.  I find myself on my knees alot.  I am praying that the Lord takes this pain away.  I hurt.  I am trying to find an out for this pain that invades my body.  

All the while, my guest bathroom is well into the renovation.  Praying that it will be done by the end of this week.  My fear is that I have nothing else on my agenda to occupy my days.  I hate the way I feel.  The Lord has blessed me with these renovations.  When they are done, I feel like I am back to square one.  How can this pain be so bad?  I miss you.  I would do anything to talk to you and hug you.  Everyone tells me you are with me.  It is not the same though.  I know you really don't care because you are with Jesus.  I am here on earth and I hate it.  

Warmer temperatures are here to stay.  All I want to do is talk to you about doing things this summer. 

Master Bath .....just about completed!

 Praise Jesus!  I am thanking Jesus every minute.  The master bath looks great.  Today starts the fifth week and they are putting in all my accessories.  The mirrors, shelves and towel racks.  I love it.  I pray that everything is in working condition.  Everything was done by man so nothing that man does is perfect, however, with the Lord's covering and protection, I pray that HE filled these workers with the direction and the Holy Spirit to do honest work.  

My heart is full of gratitude for the fact I that I could not make it through this project without the strength of the Lord.  Today started out rainy and gloomy.  I read and prayed. I walked Xena and fed her.  Days like this one are hard to feel uplifted because of the gloominess of the sky.  It has rained on and off all morning.  I view the rain at times as tears from Heaven.  I wonder to myself, "Buck are those your tears?"  I know that is not possible because I don't think there are any tears when you go to heaven.  I miss you.

Tomorrow is the final walk-through of the master bathroom.  After I sign off on it, the demo for the guest bathroom will start.  This restroom should not take as long.  Praying there are no surprises when they demo it.  Again, nothing is perfect when it is man-made. 

Counting my Blessings!

 Since you went home it has been a challenge to make it through a typical day.  I have to face each day as a blessing.  I wake up counting my blessings.  I know there are a million blessings that the Lord so graciously gives me.  Every breath I take is precious.  I know this because I watched you take your last breath and it hurts every bone in my body.  So I know that God has mercy on me and I can't let a second go by each day without thanking HIM.  I remember the days that you would get mad at me because I was down.  You would tell me to count my blessings.  You taught me to do that.  Now I do it on a regular basis not just when I am down.  In the good times and bad times, God has blessed me.  This hurt that I am feeling each day without you here  is a blessing because I know how deep our love and friendship was.  

Honestly, I do not know how to understand exactly what life is going to be from here on out until I go home.  It is just living day to day trusting the Lord.  Although, I feel like I have not focused on my walk with the Lord, I trust in HIM to make it through each day that I am trying to work through this pain....this grief.  I nod my head in disbelief, just not sure what is going on in my life.   It is completely feeling every step blindly for the Lord to take my right hand and pull me through the world that I live in .....now without you.  I will never be of this world; I just live in it.

New Week....I see the glimmer of light!

It is dark outside and the rain has just started.  Was not expecting rain.  This is the beginning of the third week of the master bathroom renovation.  I see the glimmer of light.  I feel myself getting a little bit excited.  I wish you were here.  I have no one really to celebrate with.  Xena does not respond too much on my verbal updates and the changes that are taking place.  I know that she does not like all these men in the house.  She hates how much noise they make.  

So the shower tile is in and the wall tile around the tub area is also in.  They are placing the floor tiles today.  Yes, I said floor tiles!  I know that you had intended to put the oak floors in both the bathrooms. That has changed because they were not confident to place wood floor in the bathroom.  I know you were confident, but I also know that you would have taken care of it.  I would not have the patience to take care of it myself.  I am going to say this was a blessing in disguise. 

Praise Jesus that I was able to find this cool rustic looking brick tile for both the bathrooms.  I had to go to three different Lowe's to get the correct amount needed to do both bathrooms.  I picked them up and I unloaded them when I got home.  They were HEAVY!  I miss your strength.  The Lord protected me and gave me the strength to unload all of the boxes.  I thanked HIM so much because I could not have done it without Jesus! 

The Lord is my light and strength!  I miss you Bucky!

Dark Rainy Day - Pushing forward

 Here I sit inside as it rains outside.  The construction workers did come in today.  I have an overwhelming sensation go through my body as a song comes on that reminds me of you.  I miss you so much. I wish music was not such a trigger for me, but it is.  My heart aches for you.

After repeated discouragement from the contractor workers, I am no longer going to put wood flooring in our bathrooms.  It breaks my heart and I feel like I am dishonoring you to some degree.  I know that you would have taken care of it.  You were so smart when it came to everything in life.  I miss you.  I cannot say that enough.

I picked a brick tile for the restrooms instead.  The contractor complained about that too.  They said that it is going to be a lot of tile.  I just feel like I am having to justify my reason behind every choice I make.  You never made me feel this way.  I wish I could have you here to run this show.  Needless to say I had to order the tile from 3 different Lowe's and they would not delivery it.  I have to physically pick up the tile from each store.  They are all in within a 20 mile radius.  Thank goodness I have a truck (a new truck)!!!😊

I do not know how you managed to work here when it was so dark and rainy.  At times, it makes me just sad.  Xena gets cabin fever and she just does not know what to do with herself because she is not fond of storms with thunder and lightening.  The rain just keeps coming down.  I pray that the work they are doing is not affected by this rain because I would rather them call it a day then.  Please Lord, keep these workers honest.

Progress...Praise Jesus....Progress!

 My restroom remodel is coming along.  I praise Jesus for the transformation.  I actually can see what it is going to look like.  The dirt mounds no longer exist and the holes are completely back-filled.  The doorway to the old "toilet room" has been covered and the doorway into the bathroom has been widened.  I have never had an ensuite master bathroom.  This will be my first.  I wish my husband was here to share this experience.  I miss him.

Well, we are into the seventh day of the renovation.  The pounding and roaring of the hand tools gives me confidence that work is being done.  I can hear the drywall mud being plastered and leveled onto the wall.  The recessed lights are being installed.  I give the Glory to the Lord.  He has His hand in this project.

I try my best to stay out of their way.  I have been doing everything I can to clean and maintain the rest of the house and, at times, I do lawn work.  I am grateful that I have been able to be here to watch and listen to this renovation.  In the past, Buck would manage to do all the work of a remodel while I was flying.  I missed all the "ugly" parts that takes place during the process.  It was almost like he wanted to shield me from it.  He was always so protective of me.   

Funny thought that just ran through my head, I have an appreciation for lawn work now.  I never wanted any part of it when Buck was alive.  Now that it is my responsibility....it is kinda soothing in so many ways.

So basically, there is more than one way that the Lord is making progress happen in my life.....I am one of the projects that HE is working on.

 

 

 

Third Day of this Renovation - "Lord Help Me"

 Here I go again .....the 3rd day of this renovation.  When I look into that room I don't really see any changes.  I do feel overwhelmed because you never know what exactly is going on until the contractor shares what they want to share.  However, there is lots and lots of noise coming from that area of the house.  

My daily routine is to pray over the project and the workers that come and work on it.  Ultimately, the Lord is the only one that knows how this project is going to turn out.  I trust HIM and I know HE listens to me when I am letting HIM know what I am vulnerable about.  

I am trying my best to manage this process and I am trying my best to keep track of all the materials that I am suppose to be supplying.  Which there was a minor mishap so far; a broken toilet.  Had to schedule Home Depot to come and pick it up and re-order a new toilet.  Praying that that is the only thing damaged.  I, also, received the tile today.  I don't why but I got just a little bit giddy when I saw the tile.  

All in all, I am talking to the Lord all day long.  This journey that I am on is nothing that I have ever experienced.  Truly the only way I am making it day to day....is the LORD and the Hope that HE is giving me for the future.

A little side note, I think my dog Xena is done with all this noise in her house!

The Second Day of this Transformation

 Well, my day started quite early.  I usually like to make sure that Xena (our dog) and I start off with our normal routine.  I take her for her morning walk and then she is fed.  I make my morning shake and do my Bible readings.  After I read, I like to spend time talking with the Lord in prayer.  I need that conversation to happen because Jesus is the only reason why I make it through these days.  Praise Jesus.

After our routine, I spent time cleaning up the fine white dust from construction that is in every crevice of my house.  I know that it will continue to happen each day, but I want to make sure I can try to stay on top of it before it gets way to out of control.  I am writing this as I am having a sneeze attack from inhaling too much of this dust.

So far from what I can tell when I peeked into the master bath it looks to me that they worked on the placement of the plumbing today.  My pony was has been framed.  Yay.  I also know that they worked on the new wiring to the bathroom.  All the old wire was not up to code and a major fire hazard.  The beautiful wonders of moving into an older home.  Made sense when Buck was alive, just praying that the Lord guides me through these unforeseen obstacles.  "Stay calm Lori" is what I continue to tell myself throughout my day.  GOD is in control.

 I tell ya it is going to be a long 8 weeks.  It has been only 2 days and I have had enough.  The mess is beginning to be unbearable.  Please Lord give me the strength to make it through this renovation.

Not Just a Change of Season

 I am facing another change of season ....alone.  Change of seasons were always so hard for you and I.  The warmer temperatures are in the air.  The smell of grass is permeating in the air.  Flowers are blooming.  All the wonderful fruitful growth from the Lord is occurring right in front of my eyes with you by my side.  

Another drastic change is today is demo day of our master bathroom.  I can't believe I am trusting a company and it is not you doing the work.  I feel uneasy.  I have men in the house that I do not know.  The noises they are making are familiar, but I am not a ease because it is not you making those noises.  I miss you. 

The wall came down and what a change that made.  Our master bath is going to be big.  That is something you and I never experienced together and now never will.  I pray that you are looking down into this project and I pray I made the right decisions.  I know all of it is costly and not cheap.  I would probably be upset with how much I am spending.  I am at the mercy of an unknown company.

I wish you would have told me more about the wiring that took place in our kitchen.  Or I wish if you did tell me that I would have listened.  I am frustrated with myself.  I trust the Lord, I know HE knows what is going on.  I pray for wisdom.  I want to fully understand what is happening in our house.  

Day one of a very long eight weeks........

Another Season...Another Change

It has been eight months since you went home to the Lord.  It has been 2 months since I moved to Texas to live in the House that you worked so hard to prepare for us.  Time is flying by and at times I feel like my life is still stagnate.  Grief can make you feel like it is dragging you backwards as you try so hard to stay upright and move forward.

A new season is just about to start.  I am not feeling particularly excited about it.  I am overwhelmed facing another new season without you.  I just wish I didn't have to.  There are times that I walk outside of our house and I just want to hug you and say "isn't this Texas climate amazing?".  It is different from the dry weather we experienced the whole course of our marriage,  We were suppose to grow vegetables together.  Now, I find myself trying to figure out how to save our lawn.  I am lost without you.  I feel like I am failing the majority of the time,  I pray lots for the Lord's guidance.  The Lord has been there for me.  I just wish you were too.  

I know you are in a better place and I am honestly jealous.  Life without you sucks.  I wish I could take back all the times that we wasted arguing about nothing.  We could have cherished more time together.  I miss you.  I would do anything and give up everything to be with you,  I honestly feel insignificant.  To the rest of the world, I am invisible.  We were the invisible couple, remember?  Now, I feel like I can disappear tomorrow and no much else would be affected around me.  Z and I just spend most of our days just trying to make it through the whole day.  She misses you.  I somehow whistled your call to her the other day.  She sat straight up looking for you.  I wanted to cry because I know she is still waiting for you to home to us here on earth. 

I hurt everyday.  I pray lots.  I read Bible.  And I hope for the best.   I miss you Bucky.

What is up with all this "stuff"?

 As humans we somehow accumulate alot of stuff.  The funny ironic thing is that when we go home to heaven all of our stuff stays behind for your loved ones to take care of, discard or sell it.

When we are young, the world teaches us that the people with all the cool stuff are the people we want to hang with or we wish we could be like.  Stuff accumulates through the years, before you know it your life is filled with "stuff".  

I learned early on that I did not want to be a hoarder.  Even though, I have a tendency to throw away quicker than I am to keep, I look around and I recognize that if I were to die tomorrow there is still is lots of "stuff" that my family members will have to deal with.

My husband was well aware that he had so much stuff.  He was the most gracious man that I had ever met.   He did not take for granted anything that was given to him.  Some of the last conversations that I remember having with him were about how he could not believe the amount of tools he had and along with the many other things that he had possession of.....Ford truck, a John Deere riding lawn mower, and the multiple rifles and handguns.  He always felt that the Lord blessed him with a very wealthy life.

I never doubted that we were blessed.  I still know that at present tine, I am very blessed by Jesus.  However, I am currently faced with dealing with all the things or stuff that I have no use for because he is not here on earth anymore.  

Selling or giving away his possessions hurts for some reason.  I know Buck would want his tools to be sold or given to someone who truly cherished it the way he did.  The process of the transaction is the part that sucks.  Nobody wants to know the true story behind the sale, they that just want to chew you down even though they know they are getting a sweet deal already. 

I don't even know what the main point of this entry really is; only that this is the season that I am currently in.  Does not make me feel comfortable.  I pray lots for protection and wisdom through these various transactions.  I just hope that I am doing the right thing.

Lord willing, I will get all his stuff taken care of eventually.  I miss him so much.   

God has a plan and you need to let HIM do HIS work!

 Well, here it is a new year already!  I can honestly tell you that I am completely a different person than I was last year.  Life has changed, yet again, for me in a blink of an eye.  On June 22, 2023, Buck, my husband and best friend, went home to the Lord.  It was a tragic passing.  I am having difficult days everyday.  The tears have not stopped since that day.

I find that my ONLY source of strength is seeking the Lord.  I am forcing myself to learn how live by my faith and not by what I see.  All of it is difficult.  I can truly tell you that life for me at this point is not enjoyable.  I hurt everyday missing my best friend.  At times, I have to work through a withdrawal episode like a drug addict to get through the pain of just wanting to talk to him or hold him or touch him.  It hurts. 

I know that "In His Time" the Lord will teach me how to cope with this grief.  The Lord knows I am suffering,  I discuss this with Him everyday.  I trust that HE listens because I miraculously make it through that day and manage to make it to a blessing of another day.

I feel like I am viewing life through a pair of glasses that makes everything look so very different in every way, shape, and form.  The only one that I want to tell my thoughts to is Buck.  I would love to hear his response.  

I have no idea what my life is going to be from here on out.  I do know that I spent half my life with Buck,  This half of my life the Lord is still writing out and HE does not want me to ruin the ending of it. 

So here goes nothing,  I vow to share this gift of life that I have left with whoever wants to read about it.  For some, you may think that I have had such a hard life.  Honestly, I am just grateful for what I do have and I am doing everything in my power to not focus on what I don't have.  

My Redeemer Lives - Trust in the Lord - Praise Jesus